Since I’ve put Chris Brogan, Jenny Milchman and Rachel
Thompson (Rachel in the OC!) through the writer quirk wringer, I figure it’s
about time for me to expose my own bizarre writing quirks (and dispense some
dubious writing advice at the end).
Those of you who follow me on social media (Facebook,
Twitter, etc.) may have noticed me saying, “I’ll post it when I’m back at my
PC” or “Offline for a few days!” or “If you’ve emailed, I’ll get to you when I
get back online”.
Friends and fans know exactly what this means, but I’ve not
shared my sordid secret publicly until now: in order to get any writing done
(not to mention homeschooling, domestic duties and spousal mandated
relaxation), I have my husband hide the broadband modem at work. And my old
school Kindle.
That’s right: I’m so pathetic, so lacking self-control, that
my husband totes the square, black device—as well as my Kindle in it’s purple
leather case—to work with him. To hide in his locker at work. Until I tell him
to bring them home.
Sometimes, he’s carrying so much with him to work (packages
to be mailed, his lunchbox, mp3 player, cell phone, etc.), that he tries to
hide it here at home.
Thing is, I’m psychic. Honest to God psychic. As in, I can
zero in on the freakin’ thing—even if it’s hidden in the basement, atop the
ceiling beams where I can’t see it and need a plastic step stool (that I
retrieve from the second floor) to reach it.
Now that our 14-year-old son is taller than his Dad, I can
get him to reach up to feel for it! Ha! And, of course, dear husband is amazed
that I can find it.
Most days, Ron good humoredly goes along with my antics by
taking my stash to work in a plastic shopping bag. Some days, he even insists
on it (“that internet is nothing but trouble!”). Once in awhile, though, he
gets tired of carrying my shameful, addictive burden with him (“can’t you just
self-regulate?”).
Which he knows damn well that I cannot.
I know some of you are shaking your heads right now, and a
few are even laughing (you see yourself in this, don’t you?).
But it gets worse.
See, I also have a Kindle Fire. Now, I have hubby hide the regular Kindle at work because the
3G capabilities can still allow for internet access. Kindle Fire, however, is
WiFi only. So if the broadband modem isn’t here, I can’t access the internet.
Except, my neighbor two doors down programmed her WiFi
password into my Fire last week. So, some days, I’ll stroll down the road (in
my PJs, at times) to ask—like the pathetic Ethernet beggar that I am—to use
her WiFi. We catch up on neighborhood gossip as I check email and admire her
latest horticultural acquisitions (she’s got a major green thumb!). I also get
a bonus prize: mad lickings from her adorable Chihuahua
(Roxy Girl!). Eventually, I leave.
A few weeks ago, I got the idea that I may just be able to
pick up her WiFi from my yard so I don’t have to waltz down there at 10 PM like some kind of addict looking to score
her next fix (she works afternoon shift, and doesn’t mind me hanging out on her
cozy porch).
Lo and behold, if I get right up next to the fence bordering
my property, I can access her WiFi! Fortunately, it works when I’m far away
from the road so that onlookers don’t wonder what the hell some lady is doing
standing close to her fence in broad daylight, huddled over some kind of
device.
Silly husband made a sign!
But addicts don’t just operate in the day. Oh no, they lurk
and lurch around in the cloak of darkness.
So the last few nights, I go outside in the pitch black,
jonesing for my device to pick up her
WiFi (instead of trying to log into my
WiFi, which is a no-go since the broadband—which is at my husband’s work—needs
to complete the connection). In my pajamas. With my crocs on. After a rain.
I almost slip into the edge of our garden-to-be. Getting my
footing, trying to use the glow of the Fire screen to navigate my path to the
fence, my feet finally find purchase. Until I step in a @#$%*&! gopher hole
and almost break my ankle!
I did say I was pathetic, right?
And it’s not like I’m major cyber slut; I’m lucky I visit
ten sites on a regular basis!
Le sigh.
My other writing quirk is much tamer: despite having severe
tendonitis/CTS in both hands, I must write longhand when it comes to my
non-fiction writing (read: 70% of what I write). Reviews and blog posts I can
compose just fine on my PC with my handy dandy ergonomic keyboard. I’ve even
trained my brain to work on my cozy mystery novel-in-progress via PC.
But not my eBooks or non-fiction books.
Why? Well, I think author Amy Peters sums it up nicely in
her book The Writer’s Devotional
(which, incidentally, I quoted in my scandalous eBook 111 Quotes for Writers):
Writing longhand will
help you experience your writing in a different way. Your mind will think in a
different manner, both because writing longhand is a slower process and also
because you won’t have the opportunity to backspace and erase the words you’ve
just written. Writing in longhand is a more deliberate act. There is an elegant
simplicity to writing longhand: it takes writing back to a primal and pleasing
place. As an added incentive, there’s also a sense of instant gratification.
The moment you make a mark, it is real. Unlike the sometimes dicey business of
storing your writing on a computer’s hard drive, the handwritten page won’t
disappear into a mysterious Ethernet void.
Hell, I’m not even allowed to do dishes because my hands are
so wracked by numbness and pain. (After the fifth broken glass, hubby and son
took over dish duty. We’ve since switched to almost all plastic glasses, but I’ll
be damned if I’m going to point that out! After all, there’s still the Pyrex
measuring cup, glass baking pans, porcelain casserole dishes to consider…)
Ha!
So there ya have it. Two crazy writing quirks from yours
truly.
Now, about the writing advice.
Gosh, I don’t feel qualified to give much out, since I’ll
still muck my way around despite being a traditionally published author x3 and
having various other writing “successes”.
But as a reader, Amazon.com Hall of Fame Reviewer and
despiser of BS, I will say this: the most important piece of writing advice I
can give you is to be an original.
Despite appearing as glib advice, it’s not as easy as it
looks, especially if your original voice happens to be controversial,
polarizing, illuminating and raw. In case you haven’t watched TV lately (I
haven’t—been without TV programming for over five years, in fact) or noticed
magazine covers in the supermarket, “fakeness” sells.
Think about it: magazine models are photoshopped. Wrinkles,
blemishes and discoloration? Magically wiped away. Open the inside of the
magazine, and women are told we need makeup to be beautiful, skin cream to look
younger, perfume to smell better and designer break-your-damn-neck stilettos to
be sexy.
If you’re a man, you need a newer car to exude achievement,
the latest electronic device to seem “hip” and a pretty girl on your arm to
appear virile.
“Reality” TV? Ain’t nothing real about it.
And what about well-meaning advice from religious leaders,
New Age gurus and social media experts saying that we all must “play nice”?
Smile at everyone, never be negative, always be complimentary, be happy, vibrate
quicker, sing Kumbaya and don’t rock the boat.
In other words, stifle urges coming anywhere near
uncomfortable emotions, unvarnished truths or authentic ideas.
So writer’s self-censor—on social media, in their
relationships, and, perhaps most damaging, on the page.
The result? Books filled with bland writing, cardboard
characters and a “who gives a shit?” plot. Which are the types of books that
are, sadly, even published by the Big Four. (It’s Four now, right?)
Surely I’m not the only one finding good books hard to come
by these days? And my husband? Even pickier, especially when it comes to
fiction. Fortunately, I gave him A Visit
from the Goon Squad, which (for now) holds his immersive attention…
So there you have it, dear reader. My embarrassing writer
quirks. And some advice lobbed your way, to boot.
Are you a writer with some writing quirks? By all means
share them here in the comments! Your writing advice is most welcome, as well.
If you’re a published author and would like your writing
quirks and advice showcased here on my blog, please send your wise words to [email protected] along with a
headshot and preferred bio.
And about good fiction: come across any lately?
-- Janet